All these Broken Vessels…

I am the perfect life of the party. So mellow, so cheery, a laughter even I wonders where it comes from and a three year old’s energy. I remember my late teen years and early twenties. God, how I would kill to have just a quarter of the strength I had back then…partying everyday, traveling from town to town and remembering everything in just a haze. Not too clearly because really, I never wanted to remember much. And yet, not too hazy to  not remember a thing or two. A few memories to keep, something to hang onto.

You see, I went through some things, we all went through some things, but I had to be strong for everyone. So as everyone was busy healing, I pushed everything at the back to be there for everyone else. There was no man in my family to be there for everyone else, and somehow, the carefree me looked like a suitable fix to fill the gap. So the tomboy in me graduated to a full grown ass man, always listening to everyone’s grievances and keeping mine to myself. Stuff I could talk to my mum about was crying about a friend that did me wrong, because really, I never understood how I would be there for my friends and they ended up hurting me. But never about the very things that killed me inside.

And so it began. Every time I wanted to really talk about what I was feeling, I would drink it away, turn up at a party, live the night (or day, who said we can only live the night) and forget my woes. So I pushed everything at the back, behind the tequila and whisky, under the rum and endless cosmos, I lived each day. Every new one different than the previous one. Do you know just how much fun it is to forget all your worries in just a couple of shots, salt and lemon? I never knew I was so light till bouncers had to lift me off the tables and the counters, dancing the night away, me who proudly wears two left feet. There is something amazing about not caring what happens next, just letting it all go.

Oh, not a lot of people like going out on Mondays, so I discovered a lot of hidden places that made everything alive on Mondays…from Jazz music to rock. Karaokes to reggae, really, there were endless choices. And should it be so boring in the Metropolis, Lord there were so many other towns that would be bursting with life! Why limit yourself when the whole world is out to be seen. Well, not world per se, because I had a job to get to in the morning, so let’s go with a limited choice of towns. Did you know how fast you can drive on the Nairobi-Nakuru highway at midnight? You can always test your limits at 240 kph with a wild girl cheering you on and not even worried that you are both drunk and exhausted.

And you think you have heard enough times about how misery loves company. There could never be enough times on that one. My misery drew all kind of company and boy did I drown my sorrows. Never afraid of trying anything, almost caught fire one day trying to drink flaming Sambuca. That is a whole story on its own, for another day. But, have you ever wished for death to come for you? Too scared to initiate it but every day, you put yourself just in the perfect situations to have the snares of death so close yet so far away. And you get a little disappointed and feel a little more cheated when you survive it all. People around you have died and you keep asking God if there is a way for you to take their place.

I was so tired of life every morning, but then I always remembered my mother who was so broken and I just had to wear my mask, step out there and put on the perfect show. It worked, carried on with my dear life and forgot what pain felt like. When you’re numb, nothing hurts. And every time the numbness wears off, you are forced to get more of your poison to get numb again. But you can only fool yourself for so long.

You see, we ride on the high for so long. You depend on it to get by. Until it gets to a point when whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good. And we cannot depend on it anymore. That is when it hits you just how damaged you are. When I couldn’t ride on my high anymore, I buried myself in work, then work stopped feeling so good and I hid in my house for a while. Alone and scared all the time. The pain set home, pain so bad and it didn’t let up. And now that everybody had dealt with their own share of the pain, how do I begin relieving it all over again, I mean, I should have moved on, years later and I am in the exact same spot where everyone else was long time ago.  I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares were killing me, I did not have the slightest need to feed. I couldn’t leave my house because everything hurt. Well that plus the fact that I did not want people to see my swollen face and total self neglect. I had no strength to even groom myself. And how do you even start explaining to people why you are looking so neglected and like a total mess. I cried myself to sleep sometimes, just enough sleep to get the nightmares up and running in my head. I hated myself, I hated my life. And honestly, I did not want to live anymore. So a few times I contemplated suicide, a few times I gathered a few things I needed to finally do it and a few times I failed.

I have seen how people react to suicides. “She was so happy, how could she have taken her own life away?” “He was so strong, he should have hang on a little longer.” “But she had people to talk to, why did she not?” We always have something to say about suicide. Celebrities are deemed to be happy with perfect lives, career people have a life going, and for the rest of us, we have no reason to do it, because, what could go wrong with life? I will tell you for certain, everything.

If you asked all my friends and family, save my best friend and three more people that are my lifelines, they would all tell you how much zest for life I have and how I am the happiest person they all know of. If anyone needed someone to be there for them, they would not think twice about running to me for support. Because I am everyone’s pillar of support. And that keeps me going, for a moment I feel helpful. And not for a minute do I feel the need to bug them with my own stuff. So when they are all gone, I am left with my own baggage because no one expects the strongest of them all to end up so messed up and to have. But those that know me to the core know just how much messed up I have been lately. How I got to my rock bottom years after the due date. And how this year has been one hell of a roller coaster.

There is a reason I keep saying that I am better off on my own. Finally, this is the reason. I cannot let anyone else in when all I have is myself. I am used to handling my own mess and having my own back. I comfort myself when I need to, I pick myself up when I fall and I have always figured out how to make everything work and when I can’t, then I let it be. And I finally can admit that I am broken and that I am tired of being strong for everyone else save myself. And I am so broken, I have been broken for a while now, still picking up pieces of everything that I am meant to be.

But you know how it is, you will always be too much for someone. Too loud, too lively, too open, too held back, too broken. I think it was my mistake in the first place to let my guard down and think that I could let anyone in and walk with me as I figured out the pieces of my life. Status Quo is a thing.

Why did I write this piece today? To finally relieve my pain, well partly. I have always been much of a writer in comparison to talking it out. And you might be reading this and wondering why I never talked any sooner, because now no one gets it, how after so many years, I could be this broken. But this is not for you to figure out. And if you are going through stuff and you have no idea how to get past it, please break in every way you deem possible? Cry if you need to, vent, talk to someone but please do not feel the need to be strong when every piece of you is crying out to release the pain. It’s okay to be called weak. Or a cry baby, but when you get past this, I promise you will feel better that you did not mask everything out. And when everyone needs you to be strong when you feel that you cannot be strong, well, you know at the end of the day you only have yourself. There are those who will want to fix you and when you do not conform to their idea of perfect, they will drop you and you will be broken again. That is not for you to feel bad about. Because you should only allow someone to love you while you fix yourself. No one else, I promise no one else can get you out of the pain you would be feeling at that exact moment. And however minute it looks to anyone else, you are your own warrior. Battles only make sense to you, big or small, it is not up to someone else to decide how long your battle wages on or when you should be fixed. There is no time limit for hurting. There is no enough time to piece yourself together. Take all the time in the world, and let no one make you feel like a mess. The face that you present to the whole world is your shield, because not everyone deserves to know what you are going through. But be careful as to who you lay off your mask to. There are those who will walk around the broken pieces of you, lest they cut themselves with the pieces of you. Then there are those who will love every piece of you, like beautiful art and they will watch you rediscover a new you. Let all your cracks let the light in. And do you know how beautiful that is? It is so so so beautiful, the world will stand in awe of the beauty you brought in. And you will be okay. Eventually.

God is your only true friend. Not your family, not even your friends. God is the only one who promises to stay and He stays. So, lean on Him the most, hide all your worries in Him, and when you feel like you are all alone, remember even Jesus felt that exact way in the Garden of Gethsemane, where our cup feels even heavier than it’s meant to be, He will lighten it.